Hello my beautiful friends!
I haven’t posted in a while!! So many things have happened and I want to share some with you. Everything started on February 11th, 2018 when I discovered that I was pregnant!! I was so happy! I started to make plans with my husband… we were SO excited to be expecting our 3rd child. I was praying and wishing for a little girl, but I couldn’t know until week 20! We were planning to buy a bigger car and making a list of everything that was going to be needed. My husband even changed the setting of our bedroom in order to make space for the crib! We were extremely happy and feeling blessed! My two boys were ecstatic when we told them! There was so much joy! I had my first ultrasound on March to know how many weeks I had. Everything was good and I was at week 7 of my pregnancy.
February 11th, 2018: I found out I was pregnant
The first months, I felt EXTREMELY tired. 0 energy! All I wanted to do is sleep, sleep, SLEEP! I was feeling very nauseous. I also had some cramps very often and I asked my doctor if it was normal, but she told me that if there was no bleeding it was nothing to worry about. Mid-march, I started to feel a little bit better, regaining a bit of energy.
On April 3rd, 2018, I had an appointment for another ultrasound. My appointment was at 9am and I went alone after dropping the kids at school because my husband was working. I was suppose to be at 13 weeks. So, after being in the waiting room for a while, they finally called my name and I entered the room. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next… I laid down and the ultrasound technician started to examine me. The first thing she asked was if I had had any bleeding. I said no. She then asked how many weeks I had. I answered 13. That’s when I started to feel that something was wrong…I prayed to God, for everything to be okay. She said there is no heartbeat and the embryo measures for about 9 weeks. “What do you mean?” I replied. She responded that “The embryo stopped growing at 9 weeks. There is no heart activity.” I couldn’t believe it! I was in so much shock. I didn’t understand why I hadn’t had any bleeding if the baby was dead. It had been inside of me for 4 weeks with no life. How was that possible? (now, I know it’s a missed miscarriage) She left me alone for a few minutes in order to call the doctor. Those few minutes felt like an eternity. I couldn’t hold my tears… but at the same time I kept praying and thinking “please God, let this be a mistake, please”. Unfortunately, there was no mistake and the doctor confirmed what the technician had already told me.
I couldn’t even listen to what they continued telling me after that. They explained that I had to get an abortion before getting an infection. It was so unreal. I left the hospital in so much tears. I arrived to my car and I kept crying, crying and crying. All I kept thinking is “Why is this happening to me?” I don’t even know how I arrived home…
Breaking the news to my husband was so hard. He cried, like never before. A couple of days later… we had to announce it to our kids (6 and 8 years old) and that was even harder! My heart was broken. I tried to stay strong and not cry while telling them… It was so hard.
I had an appointment to get an abortion on April 10th, 2018. They gave me some pills that I had to take in the morning before the procedure. Some pills, that immediately gave me some strong and painful cramps and that made me start bleeding.
Before the abortion, they gave me some narcotics. I don’t know what the hell happened, but they had no effect on me. I felt everything during the procedure and it was so painful! I was laying in the medical bed looking up at a world map that was installed in the ceiling, while they were using a vaccum to remove the baby from my uterus. I have never had an abortion before, so I don’t know if feeling the pain is normal or not. This experience was so traumatic, painful and extremely hard for me. It still hurts and it will probably hurt forever. For me, I lost a child. I lost my baby… I loved him/her since the first day I found out it was growing in my belly. I had so many plans…
I will probably have one more child, in the future when my body and my mind heals a little, but the pain that I felt and feel and the fact that I lost a baby won’t be replaced. I will forever love and remember my little angel. It has been so hard this past weeks and I am just now starting to feel a little bit better.
Even if it’s hard, I am also trying to see the bright side of this situation. I got so much more closer to my partner. (we already were, but now we have a stronger and deeper connection) He was the one wiping my tears every night for the last 34 days, holding me together. He was there for me and I felt his love more than ever. We were in this together. Feeling and sharing the same pain. I could also feel and see the love of my precious friends. I realized that I am surrounded by some amazing people and that I am lucky to have them in my life. This situation has also been humbling in some way. I feel more compassion for others. I’m more aware of the pain and suffering of others. I don’t know… it’s hard to explain… It opened my eyes more. It made me even more compassionate and it gave me a desire to be kinder and help others more.
Now that I’m feeling a bit better, I choose to honor the memory of my baby by LIVING, by taking care of myself, by honoring my body, by prioritizing myself and making healthier choices everyday. Life is hard my friends… we all go through shit and painful moments, but please know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Fall down but get back up!! Sometimes the battles are just meant to make you stronger and wiser…
In loving memory of my little Angel.
PAOLA LOVES HEALTH 